| (008) Filtered: Private |
[Oct 27, 2008 * 3:00pm] |
I feel as if I ought to thank Brooke Davis. If for no other reason than because she has now given me a way to see Bella outside of school in a way that's far more legitimate than watching her while she sleeps. On the other hand, showing up at Tric on Friday because I know she'll be there is still quite a bit on the obsessed stalker side, but seeing as most the school plans on attending... at least it can look coincidental.
This is troubling. Even after deciding that I would not avoid Bella completely, and that we could be friends (a word that is a far cry from what I think about her) I can't help but feel that it isn't enough. Thoughts of her are constantly evading my mind, when we're at school I wade through the incredibly trivial and pointless thoughts of her peers just to catch a glimpse of what she's doing at any given moment. Biology cannot last long enough when I am with her. When I'm not at school and my mind wanders off to her I end up at her house when I know I shouldn't be.
If she only knew. If she knew that I was a monster, she would run. If she knew I was some psychotically obsessed stalker type, she would probably attempt to have me arrested (and I wouldn't blame her!) The part of me that wants to do the right thing wants her to know, wants her to find out and leave... but the selfish part of me would never want to let her go.
I could let her go, if only for her own benefit, as it certainly wouldn't be for mine. Only if she asks it of me.
Esme is taking entirely too much joy in my dilemma. Though, I must admit, it's rather nice seeing her so happy. Even if she's buying into some delusion that Alice is planting in her head, it's still nice. She's been asking me when I'll bring Bella around to meet her, not speaking it, but in her thoughts. She's almost as persistent as Alice, though, she can't annoy me with visions.
It's quite possible that I've spent more time at our piano during this month than I have in the past decade or two. Bella inspires me, and if I cannot see her all the time, then I can at least play how she makes me feel. One day, perhaps, I'll play it for her.
I still thirst for her, though, somewhere deep within my being. It's there, and the longer I'm away from her the stronger it is, however, even at it's strongest now, I'm getting confident that I can always overcome my own desires. Now that I have given into the fact that I am undeniably in love with Bella, I am finding it a fair bit easier to ignore the monster inside of me. It's reassuring, at least, but I know well enough that I will never be safe for her.
She deserves better. It is my most selfish of desires that she doesn't come to realize this and actually find the man she ought to be with. Ultimately, no one could possibly be good enough, not for someone like her.
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| (007) Filtered to the Cullens/Hales |
[Oct 27, 2008 * 2:33pm] |
I am deliberating over whether or not I will be attending that Halloween Party at Tric on Friday. Ultimately, I think I would rather like to go because Brooke has convinced Bella- surprisingly enough, but it would be dreadfully dull if I attend it alone. That's not to say that I won't, as I will, howe- Roaslie, it would give you something to do aside from staring at a mirror carving every pumpkin in Forks, and I'm certain you an Alice are just itching for another excuse to go shopping. (Jasper and Emmett I'd throw in something here about why you should want to attend, however, I know well enough that if I convince your mates than you both would come along too)
It could be fun? Or at least, it could be better than nothing?
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| (006) Filtered: Private |
[Oct 10, 2008 * 8:43am] |
Last night I did something that was utterly foolish, and on many different levels absolutely appalling. Allowing my curiosity to get the best of me, I found myself outside of her window watching her toss and turn in her sleep. Yet, even reducing myself to the level of a common peeping tom hadn't been enough to satisfy my intrigue.
This is not something I intend on sharing with any of my family, aside from Alice who I'm certain has already seen it. With any luck, perhaps she had been distracted enough last night not to pay attention to decisions made by me. I'm not looking forward to explaining to her why I decided to break into Bella's room and watch her sleep. Not only did I violate her right to privacy, her house, her room... those things are a safe haven to humans, and I violated that as well. My thirst may have been quenched at the moment, however, it was not right of me to test my will power in such an intense manner.
Yet, as abhorrent as my actions were last night, even more so am I repulsed by the joy it had brought me. The chance at unfiltered thoughts from her mind, something I could not hope for when she is conscious... It was as if I was there and finally getting some of the missing pieces... Though, it was not the generic thoughts that have me rejoicing...
She was dreaming of me. Not out of fear, which of everyone she would have the most reason to fear me, but out of desire. She wanted me, in her dream, to stay with her.
I did not know that it was possible to feel like this, but I am finally having an inkling to what Jasper and Alice, Emmett and Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme... what they are all so lucky to have found in one another. Alice was right, though that shouldn't come to anyone's surprise, it is possible that I am falling in love with a Human. With her.
I did not know, really, the pull that was so strong to save her from Tyler's van had come from something that was beyond my thirst for her. This is quite the conundrum. I cannot stay away from her, more than that, however, is the fact that I no longer want to stay away. Yet, the truth remains now, and will always remain, that her blood sings to me in the way only the strongest of siren calls could. How do I protect her from myself?
Avoiding her simply is not an option. This could be difficult. Could? Who am I kidding. This will be difficult. Am I strong enough to do what's needed to keep the girl alive? I have to be. To think of anything happening to her, to her...
I am becoming obsessive, surely even that is not healthy for her. She deserves better, but the mere thought of her ever finally saying yes to anyone but me? The jealous rage that stirs is almost as dangerous as my thirst for her.
Hmm.
Perhaps, somehow, I can get her to stay away from me. If she refuses my attentions I will do the honorable thing and leave her be. The question is how would I get her to refuse me? I could warn her, I'm sure. But would she listen? How do I make her listen without revealing too much?
I suppose the first thing I need to do is talk to her. Today, then. Lunchtime.
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| (005) Filtered: Private |
[Sep 27, 2008 * 11:10pm] |
I have never been more grateful in my "life" that I have the ability to read minds - not any of my siblings. It means that my thoughts are protected against those who are quite irate at me (namely, Rosalie), and that they don't have to know the truth behind it. Perhaps Alice knows more than she let's on, but it isn't a subject anyone likes to bring up for the moment. Too sensitive.
I saved her life. She could have died, which would have solved the whole blood lust issue really quickly. I saved her like that - in a way that could have exposed me for what I am - or well, for what I am not. I told my family that I had done so to prevent myself from losing control at the smell of her freshly spilled blood. What a tragic waste that would have been!
It isn't that, and I'm not exactly sure what it is. Other than the fact that I could not stand to witness anything bad happening to her. Especially not her. Interesting that I could be so protective over someone that I am particularly dangerous to. But not her. She couldn't die. Not like that. She deserves better than that.
And, there was a part of me who thought that to let her die like that would be a waste of that perfect, sweet smelling blood. If it tastes even a fraction as good as it smells... No, I mustn't give into those thoughts.
How strange, though, that she hasn't spoken a word of the extraordinary events to anyone all week. Not even after I broke a promise to tell her what was going on. I can't tell her that. It would break the rules... and, I don't want her to be that afraid of me. Certainly she'd hate me for the monster that I am, and deserved to be hated for - and yet, the idea of Bella Swan hating me is haunting.
I would have thought, that, she'd have said something. But nothing. No one thinks anything of it, other than the story I had told her to tell. They believe it, and she hasn't told them otherwise. Can I trust her? Really?
At least that will help keep my siblings from their UTTERLY INSANE ideas of how to "handle the problem."
I really wish I could stop listening to their thoughts, because there are somethings I would rather not hear.
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| (004) Filtered: Private |
[Sep 13, 2008 * 9:25pm] |
Last night... didn't give me the answers I was hoping for. Then again, that isn't entirely true. This is far more complicated than it needs to be. Did I really want there to be something wrong with her, just so I could say there was nothing wrong with me? No. In fact, quite the opposite. I'd rather there was something wrong with me - and clearly, there is - than for anything to be wrong with her. Why am I so protective of her? I'm probably - no, there is no probably about it - I am the most dangerous thing to come across her path, and yet, I feel the need to protect her from OTHERS?
Something is seriously wrong with me.
The only thing that came of my trip to the Oregon State Hospital last night was that if Bella is mentally unstable I'm GLAD I cannot hear her thoughts. As I heard more thoughts from insane people than I'd ever wanted to hear in my life. It leads me to the conclusion that, regardless on Bella's mental state, that isn't the reason I cannot hear her thoughts... It doesn't rule out the possibility that she's crazy - as Emmett so kindly pointed out - but it does rule out that insanity is what was blocking my ability to hear her.
So, is this good news or bad news? I am not a single step closer to solving the mystery that is Isabella Swan than I was 24 hours ago, and yet, I feel relief in knowing that there is a possibility that she's not completely out of her mind. Then again, she's not afraid of me even though I know I looked like I wanted to eat her the first day we met... (As I've heard in Newton's mind...)
Perhaps a list will help me figure out my predicament.
I cannot hear her thoughts
She may or may not be mentally unstable
I CAN hear the thoughts of those who have already been diagnosed with mental instability
I thirst for her more than any human
I want to protect her more than any human
She's the ONLY one I cannot hear
I had to have terrified her; yet she doesn't seem scared
I'm making an utter fool of myself around her "Suddenly I'm feeling rather inadequate." Really? Did I REALLY write that?
Contrary to what Alice thinks: I am NOT flirting. Just... conversing. Failing at that.
I am anxious for Monday to come already. I'm anxious for Biology, more specifically.
I'm reduced to writing ridiculous lists that are not helping me one iota of figuring out what the hell is wrong with me.
This entry is going to be private. There are some things I'd prefer if the others never found out - this entire entry would be one of those things. I should go hunt, again. There is no reason for me to take unnecessary risks. Not when it is her life that gets put at risk if I become careless or overconfident in my ability to restrain myself.
Perhaps I should go talk to Carlisle, again. I need to do something before I lose touch with whatever sanity I have left. I've heard the thoughts of those who have nothing left of their sanity... the last thing I want to do is end up like them
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| (003) Filtered: Personal |
[Sep 11, 2008 * 9:12pm] |
Well then, that went as good as to be expected. I can say almost certainly that Bella Isabella Swan does not pose a threat to us or our secret. Which is not a surprise, who would even believe for a second that we are monsters vampires what we are? I had to have frightened the poor girl to death - no pun intended - that first time I sat beside her. She seemed, however, willing to overlook that. I wonder why...
She's strange. Perhaps it's only because I cannot read her mind that makes her strange, or perhaps she is genuinely unique - different from her peers. However, whenever I expect her to say or do something, she says or does something else... Very unpredictable and hardly ever making... sense.
It is so completely frustrating. Having to guess, and failing to do so correctly, about what she is thinking and really saying. Humans are funny creatures. They say one thing, and mean another. It's easy enough, for me, to know what people are really saying... until now. Is is usually that hard to communicate with one another? Are misunderstandings usually that prevalent in those without the ability to read thoughts?
She's still a puzzle to me, one that I intend to solve. I hardly believe that her mind could be closed off from me forever. My best guess is that with time, as I become more familiar with her voice, her mind will eventually open itself up to me. I could be incorrect, but I'd rather believe that I'm not.
Of course, that only means that I'll have to speak with her more. I suppose, though, that's for the best. We are lab partners, it would be odd if I blatantly ignored her or never spoke to her again. Considering how much I thirst for her... our friendship acquaintanceship will have to remain confined in biology alone.
I should probably make a habit of hunting more frequently. It surely won't hurt, and with any luck, it will make things a little more tolerable. Hm. This year has started out to be one of the most interesting in decades years. A blessing and a curse, at least with her presence the days won't seem so predictable and monotonous. Not that I am happy that each day is a struggle to control myself from rather primitive and monstrous urges.. only that.. well, it's different.
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| (002) Filtered: Personal |
[Sep 8, 2008 * 5:40pm] |
That kid from Sunnydale has tested the network enough to know that the filters and private entries are, in fact, filtered and private. That's good to know, despite being skeptical still. I don't think writing something like I'M A VAMPIRE AND I WANT TO DRINK ISABELLA SWAN'S BLOOD is the best way of testing the filter Regardless, it is good to know that, as far as we can tell, the intentions of the NLI are relatively harmless.
Unlike myself. Wednesday will be my first day back to Forks since.. meeting her. Who is the girl who haunts the dreams I do not have? Her scent is etched permanently in my mind, and I find myself longing to act upon very primitive urges. I cannot succumb to the temptation, to the pull...
If it isn't her scent, it's her mind... her thoughts are entirely silent to me, and I want so desperately to figure them out. Why would her voice be so silent, when in all my years of existence no one else has even been remotely quiet, let alone silent. Those eyes of hers, so deep, dark, mysterious.. The emotion they convey, even in that first meeting.. yet even they would not spill the secrets to her mind. How is this possible?
She is every temptation I have run from, and the biggest mystery I've encountered yet. Am I strong enough to be so close and not act upon my desires? would any of us be that strong? Carlisle, perhaps, but certainly not me.
It's only a matter of time before I have to leave again. Unless, somehow, I can desensitize myself to her lure and temptation. Who is she, but one girl? Why should I run, cowardly away from the first challenge I've felt in years? She is but one, little insignificant girl... what have I done to deserve such torture?
One thing is for certain.. I need to hunt.
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| (001) Filtered to Cullens and Hales |
[Aug 31, 2008 * 2:56am] |
It is bad enough that I have to hear such empty thoughts all day, and now I'm reduced to reading them? This project was created to torture me, slowly, of that I'm certain. At least I can take comfort in knowing that now all of you will be subjected to the thoughts of our "peers" as well.
Also, I think we've all been around long enough to know that there is no such thing as a "free" gift from a stranger. Filtered or not, watch what you say until we know without a doubt the system is secure.
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